Saying Goodbye

Learning the inevitable.  Scared all my life that I would lose loved ones one by one to cancer. It's the scarlet letter . The awful crest that each wears. Cancer!

So on this particular day when I am summoned to my eldest sister's home upon her return home from the hospital.  A place she was only supposed to be for a couple of days that lasted weeks. There was in the air that made it difficult to breathe. 

She looked weak laying on top of the bed. Told to sit by her feet. Siblings coming into the room. One standing behind me, one in the door and my brother across from me. She had problem looking me into the eyes and stared at the ceiling as the words slowly came out of her mouth. She has been diagnosed with cancer and it wasn't in her lungs. She was a lung cancer survivor and this time is was in her liver spreading. She was determined to fight and she was going to beat it!

In shock,  the tears flowed, collapsing into the sibling arms who was behind me. 

Questions swirling in my head. How could this happen? She had made me promise not to move to North Carolina.  She said longevity ran in our family. She had ten more years. So here we are reality smacking me in the face. I would be supportive. I would take off whatever time needed from work and I wanted to help. She was adamant that she didn't want my help, didn't want me to tell anyone and didn't want me to obsess over taking care of her as I had done with my mother. 

As more tests, operations and treatments were conducted she became frail. Being caught up I didn't see she was dying in front of my eyes. It was during this time I visited her and the conversation changed. She was in acceptance of her end coming to an end. This was when she told she knew she was loved, she had lived a good life, and she was able to look around her house and see all I had done to make her comfortable.  She held my hand and told me she loved me. 

It was two weeks later I stroked her forehead, placed a gentle kiss and said my final goodbye. 

I held all my emotions in and didn't grieve until I was finally able to sit in my feelings.  I wrote everything on the pages. I let the tears flowed. When the book was completed I had found my new purpose.  To share my experience.  Helping the families, friends and caregivers who can relate and find peace.

Saying Goodbye was published September 2023. It is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.  

www.patriciaAsaunders.com